Wednesday, February 23, 2005
E-Pression: Jerry Seinfeld, Age 5
(While reading, imagine Jerry Seinfeld at the age of 5 and read to yourself – or out loud – in his voice.)
Ya know, I was watching that show Sesame Street the other day. Have you seen this show? What is the deal with Snuffleupagus? There’s nothing imaginary about the guy! I see him, YOU see him, WE ALL SEE HIM! All of us, that is, except for Mr. Hooper. (Clench teeth and fist – mutter) Hooper! How is it that Mr. Hooper manages to lose his glasses EVEry SINgle TIME Snuffy is around? And how blind is this guy? I mean, there’s a huge brown thing standing in front of you – it’s not a house, it’s not a car, it’s not Oprah – what else could it be? And Big Bird is no help. You get Snuffy and Hooper in the same place at the same time and Big Bird starts stuttering like Mel Tillis after a pot of coffee!
Big Bird. What kind of name is that anyway? Big Bird. What, do they think we’re stupid?
(Turn to left to have conversation with self.)
“Hey, I’ve got an idea for a character!”
(Turn right.)
“Great! What is it?”
(Turn left.)
“It’s a big bird.”
(Turn right.)
“Fantastic! What should we call him?”
(Turn left.)
“…How about Big Bird?”
(Turn right.)
“…I think you’re on to something!”
In fact, I think I’ve figured out how they name all of the Muppets on the show so us stupid little kids don’t get confused. You’ve got your “human” Muppets, who all wear clothes and have one-word names. For instance, Bert and Ernie. Then you have your animal and monster Muppets, who never wear clothes and have a name that explains what exactly they are. Big Bird is a big bird. Kermit the Frog is a frog! Cookie Monster is a monster that eats… COOKIES! Oscar the Grouch – the guy lives in a trashcan in the ghetto – OF COURSE HE’S GROUCHY! Ya know if YOU had to live in a trashcan, you’d be a little grouchy yourself. So based on this principle, can someone explain Grover to me? One name, yet no clothes…Does that make him the naked, blue, stoned hippie that wanders around the neighborhood, hangin’ out on the stairs to the apartment building, talkin’ to the kids? If there was a naked blue hippie hangin’ out in front of my house, I’m pretty sure my mommy wouldn’t let me go outside.
Didja ever notice that sometimes, when Ernie is taking a bath, Bert is in the room with him? …Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
And what’s with the Count? Why is he always laughing when he finishes counting something? Great – 5 street lamps – not funny. You want something funny, why don’t you go to Bob’s house and count the dead hookers buried in the back yard – now THAT’S funny! …Maybe more in the ironic sense of the term…
The show I was watching the other day was brought to you by the letter “C”. Hmmm… (Wrinkle nose) Nyah, it didn’t do anything for me. Give me something I can use – something with a little more meat to it…perhaps the letter “S”? I know, “C” is for “cookie”, which may be good enough for SOME people. But add the letter “S”. Suddenly “cookIE” becomes “cookIES!” …Now we’re getting somewhere!
Ya know, I was watching that show Sesame Street the other day. Have you seen this show? What is the deal with Snuffleupagus? There’s nothing imaginary about the guy! I see him, YOU see him, WE ALL SEE HIM! All of us, that is, except for Mr. Hooper. (Clench teeth and fist – mutter) Hooper! How is it that Mr. Hooper manages to lose his glasses EVEry SINgle TIME Snuffy is around? And how blind is this guy? I mean, there’s a huge brown thing standing in front of you – it’s not a house, it’s not a car, it’s not Oprah – what else could it be? And Big Bird is no help. You get Snuffy and Hooper in the same place at the same time and Big Bird starts stuttering like Mel Tillis after a pot of coffee!
Big Bird. What kind of name is that anyway? Big Bird. What, do they think we’re stupid?
(Turn to left to have conversation with self.)
“Hey, I’ve got an idea for a character!”
(Turn right.)
“Great! What is it?”
(Turn left.)
“It’s a big bird.”
(Turn right.)
“Fantastic! What should we call him?”
(Turn left.)
“…How about Big Bird?”
(Turn right.)
“…I think you’re on to something!”
In fact, I think I’ve figured out how they name all of the Muppets on the show so us stupid little kids don’t get confused. You’ve got your “human” Muppets, who all wear clothes and have one-word names. For instance, Bert and Ernie. Then you have your animal and monster Muppets, who never wear clothes and have a name that explains what exactly they are. Big Bird is a big bird. Kermit the Frog is a frog! Cookie Monster is a monster that eats… COOKIES! Oscar the Grouch – the guy lives in a trashcan in the ghetto – OF COURSE HE’S GROUCHY! Ya know if YOU had to live in a trashcan, you’d be a little grouchy yourself. So based on this principle, can someone explain Grover to me? One name, yet no clothes…Does that make him the naked, blue, stoned hippie that wanders around the neighborhood, hangin’ out on the stairs to the apartment building, talkin’ to the kids? If there was a naked blue hippie hangin’ out in front of my house, I’m pretty sure my mommy wouldn’t let me go outside.
Didja ever notice that sometimes, when Ernie is taking a bath, Bert is in the room with him? …Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
And what’s with the Count? Why is he always laughing when he finishes counting something? Great – 5 street lamps – not funny. You want something funny, why don’t you go to Bob’s house and count the dead hookers buried in the back yard – now THAT’S funny! …Maybe more in the ironic sense of the term…
The show I was watching the other day was brought to you by the letter “C”. Hmmm… (Wrinkle nose) Nyah, it didn’t do anything for me. Give me something I can use – something with a little more meat to it…perhaps the letter “S”? I know, “C” is for “cookie”, which may be good enough for SOME people. But add the letter “S”. Suddenly “cookIE” becomes “cookIES!” …Now we’re getting somewhere!
posted by Pat Angello, 4:50 PM
2 Buffaloes were bitter enough to post comments:
Just happened to stumble across your blog randomly and had a read - it's a keeper! I've bookmarked it - I like the writing and style!
Nice to meet you and thanks for the laughs!
Nice to meet you and thanks for the laughs!
Hi Monkey! Thanks for stopping by. You'll find we're terrible at posting on anything resembling a regular basis -- rather, we tend to spew like we have some sort of cyber-Tourette's. Still, it's cool to have someone of your stature dropping in and saying nice things. We're honored. Welcome!