The Bitter Buffalo

I'll say that again: Bah. Humbug. Feh.

So, I've been "tagged" with one of these "blogger's games" that have been circulating in the blogosphere recently. And this is what it took to get me to post to my blog again: Bill Simmons-lite, courtesy of my buddy DLee at Red & Black Hockey. Well, DLee, I hope you're not expecting much.

That goes for the rest of you, too.

1. Have you ever been in a fantasy league?

I can't think of anything that has ruined the pure joy of sports spectating more than fucking fantasy sports, which IMO reduces the team sports tradition to the collection and pursuit of individual performances (which, by definition, team sports are not).

I am a Broncos fan, dammit. And a 'Canes fan. I follow the guys who play for my teams. I can't get all humpy about payers who play on other teams. That, in my opinion, defeats the purpose of being a fan.

And don't tell me tragic figures like Terrell Owens aren't the direct result of the fantasization of the NFL. His (and others' like him) appalling lack of loyalty to his team(s) is clearly a result of an overfueled ego concerned only with personal statistics.

But maybe that's just me.

I did do a fantasy hockey sort of thing the last two seasons where I (and everyone else) assembled "teams" from the same lists of players. The idea was to pick a "team" of players from the lists at each position that accumulate the most "points" each week. But at some point in the middle of last season, and completely without warning or explanation, NHL.com (which runs the game) changed their scoring method, and my "team" dropped from second to fourth in my "league," effectively ending my season and completely snuffing out what little interest I had in the game to begin with. I won't be doing it next year.

Everything else I have done is team-based, i.e., I pick the teams I think are going to win from week to week. And, for the most part, I'm pretty good at that.

2. What was the first sports jersey you ever owned?

Patrick Roy, Colorado Avalanche, 1996. When the Avs traded for him, I just knew we'd win the Cup that year. And we did. I also own a Peter Forsberg Avalanche sweater, a Terrell Davis Broncos jersey, and a St. Lawrence University Skating Saints sweater. That's all the jerseys I own (though I appropriated my wife, Beth's, Brind'Amour sweater for the second half of the season last year).

3. Top 5 sports books?

I don't recall ever having read a single sports book, cover to cover, ever. And I can't think of anything that would be less interesting to read, except maybe business books.

Now, I've read a few of those (had to in order to get the MBA), and boy do they suck.

4. 10 favorite Athletes?

1) Lance Armstrong. If losing a testicle to cancer is cheating, than this guy's the biggest cheater in the history of the cheatingest sport ever. I prefer to think he's just superhuman. (And, yes, I realize he's a bit of a dick, but this isn't "10 athletes you want over to your house to watch the Super Bowl with you." It's a list of my 10 favorite athletes. And this bastard beat cancer, then went on to win the toughest race in arguably the toughest professional sport, from a field of 180 similarly-conditioned [should I have put quotes around "similarly-conditioned"?] athletes, seven years in a row. I am convinced nothing like that will happen again in my lifetime. That's why he's on this list which, may I remind you, is my list. If you don't like it, write your own fucking list.)

2) Patrick Roy. If for no other reason than I have his sweater, and so many other people loathe him. His career, to me, stands for itself. And, while he may be a whackjob, he's an adorable whackjob.

3) & 4) Terrell Davis / Rod Smith. Two of the greatest team players in the history of the Denver Broncos. Now, these guys can come over to my house and watch the Super Bowl. And babysit my kid, too, if they want.

5) Tiger Woods. The only golfer I've ever wanted to watch play on television. Ever.

6) Erik Cole. Even though he went to Clarkson, breaking his neck and coming back to play in the Stanley Cup Finals three months later is either inspiring or completely psychotic. And when he's healthy, he plays with a reckless determination that's almost spellbinding in its deliberateness. Kid's a genius.

7) Joe Sakic. The guy allegedly gives away half of his salary every year to various charities. Now that's a guy who gets his priorities straight. He can babysit my kid, too, if he wants.

8) Floyd Landis. He was framed. I am sure of it.

9) Tanya Streeter. If you cannot tell, I am running out of ideas here. Tanya is a freediver, who holds her breath and dives straight down as deep as she can, then comes back up without dying. She broke a men's "no-limit" record in 2002 by diving 525 feet. Yes, you read that right. 525 feet. Also, she's pretty.

10) The Air Force Academy Fighting Falcons football team. Because smart-as-hell guys who are destined to squeeze into the cockpits of fighter planes and who aren't any bigger than I am have no business starting at linebacker, or fullback, or tackle, or whatever, for a NCAA Division I football team. No business whatsoever. And what's completely fucked up about it is that they win 7 to 12 games every year. And still, most people would rather watch the Miami Hurricanes on TV than the Fighting Falcons. Amazing.

5. Three Athletes you secretly admire but am ashamed to admit it for fear of ridicule:

What a dumb fucking question. Like I give a shit what you think about the athletes I admire.

OK, fine. I'll answer, but this one is under protest:

1) Curlers
2) Biathletes
3) Cyclists

6. Three people (outside family) you would pay to have coffee with:

Let's get one thing straight: I would not pay to have coffee with anyone. Should they decide to buy ME a cup of coffee, though, I would gladly sip with:

1) Floyd Landis (just to, you know, get him to open up a bit).
2) Wayne Coyne (because he seems nice).
3) Bill Clinton (for whom I've never voted, but who has got to be more interesting to listen to than the insufferably smirky dude I DID vote for. Twice. )

7. One thing you could change if you could:

I would change it so I had an unlimited supply of money. Because, all that bullshit about money not buying happiness aside (bullshit perpetrated by people with no money, because the rich people certainly never wrote that), it absolutely makes things easier, and life more fun. That much I know is true.

I won't tag blogs (cuz I don't think any bloggers read this), but if two Bitter Buffalo contributors, Matt and Beth, want to post their responses, then by all means do!