Monday, March 17, 2008

Metro Manners

Just a warning. If you are standing directly in front of the car doors as they slide open and I am getting off the train you will get walked into. That automated voice tells you to stand to the side and to allow passengers to get off the train before boarding. Take heed. I don't care if you are a man or a woman. Young or old. Black, white, yellow, or red. If you are so damned inconsiderate as to stand RIGHT THE HELL IN FRONT of the doors as people are waiting to get off of the train you deserve to get hip-checked. And you tricky little bastards who try to weasel your way in like a salmon swimming upstream as people are getting off the train. You are a fucking target. I am going to have a suit made out of leather with all sorts of rusty tin can lids and razor blades sewn into the sleeves. I am going to look like something out of the fucking Road Warrior. I will walk directly into you.

And what the heck is it? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "Hey! All you morbidly obese commuters, sit next to THIS guy!" It never seems to fail, I'm sitting there in my one seat, bag in my lap and some GIGANTIC person (usually a woman) decides to sit next to me. But it isn't just next to me. It is partially ON me. They have one cheek sort of resting on my thigh and spilling over into their seat. Their other cheek is half in the seat, half hanging out into the aisle. Their breathing is labored from the exertion of walking down the metro platform and they smell like garlic. Argh, why me? I just want to sit and read my book in peace. Now I'm wedged between some garlic smelling, heavy breathing fat lady and the window of the metro car. And if I shift - just a little - to try and get a bit more comfortable, or a little less sat upon, I'm shot this look like I'm the problem. Like I'm inconveniencing Gigantor.

Whew. I feel better.

Today's commute sucked. But it is better than driving on the Beltway.

(And with this post any chance of public office, elected or appointed, is effectively destroyed.)

posted by MGSoden, 7:44 PM

4 Buffaloes were bitter enough to post comments:


Blogger Bill Purdy, said:
I read on a fat person's blog they're sick and tired of having to sit down on the train next to young guys with heart problems.

Also, they're thinking of sewing razor blades onto their chaps, so as to cut you up with their thigh flab first.
...on March 18, 2008 11:23 AM  

Blogger Cory, said:
Metro Manners was spot on....we should start a movement to take out every dick that decides to stand in front of the train doors...No more hip checking bullshit...For now we take them down..

And we will all begin carrying cans of Air Freshner...Anytime a fat garlic smelling person gets near us we will spray them down like mace at a stalker...
...on March 22, 2008 10:21 AM  

Blogger Cory, said:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
...on March 22, 2008 10:22 AM  

Blogger KWBrooks, said:
Billy, billy, billy - am a long way from my years in Manhattan but "I feel your pain"
...on April 29, 2008 9:27 PM  

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